How to Cut Down a Tree – Rules for the Homeowner

Warning! Get really drunk, then it won’t hurt so much when you cut yourself with the chainsaw or crush your family!

1. Find that tree. As soon as you know how to cut down a tree, your neighbors will ask you to cut down some of theirs.
2. It helps to know the technical talk for the tree industry
   1. Equipment:  every piece of equipment used is called a “Widow maker”.
   2. Tree Anatomy: the tree and every part of it is called a “Widow maker”.
   3. Terrain Analysis: everything nearby the tree is called a “Widow maker”.
3. Cut a notch in the felling direction. Make a big notch that goes more than halfway through the tree. 
   1. ‘The “mouth” part of the notch faces the direction you want the tree to fall, hopefully!
   2. If you can, tie a rope up in the tree and tense it in that direction.
4. Cut a notch from the other side of the tree.When you get close, the tree will start to lean away (you hope!)
   1. If not, some helpers will have to pull on that rope.
   2. Then run like the dickens! 
5. At it starts to lean, MAKE YOUR ESCAPE, because the butt of the tree will kick back and knock the crap out of you. 
6. There ISN’T a safe place to be because the branches will break off and fly everywhere.
7. Now What?
   1. You likely misjudged the height of the tree
   2. It may have hit another tree or your house or is lying on its side on those branches.
   3. These are more “Widow makers”. They’re taunt springs, just waiting to snap back as you cut through them. There’s no safe way to proceed.
   4. Are all the branches trimmed?  Prop up the trunk and make firewood.
8. If things don’t go well, your loved ones will get to contemplate your own mortality.
9. Oh, yes, always wear protective equipment
   1. Helmet
   2. Eye and Ear protection
   3. Leather gloves
   4. Chainsaw Pants

Call a Professional!